Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
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Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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