I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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