My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
