i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Randomize
