So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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