If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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