note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
