I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
