3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I can't turn off my feet"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
