i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
