Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
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he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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