Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
