I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
