Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
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Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
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He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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