Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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