my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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