So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
