she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
