I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
