when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
