I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
