toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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