Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
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i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
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Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.