I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?