Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
