everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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