dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
