I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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