I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Randomize
