Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
