"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
sarcasm needs its own font
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
