all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
