If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
