oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
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