At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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