Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
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I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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