I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
