I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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