i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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