i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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