Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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