I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
