I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
