make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
