his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
So. Much. Porn.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
