I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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