I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
