can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
