I have demons in me.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
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The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
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The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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