So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I accidentally burped into my bong.
It was confusing and full of hummus
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
