mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
