dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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