Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
