I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
