Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
