I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He passed out mid-signature
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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