If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
