I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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