mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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