So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
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Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
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My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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