What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
