it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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