You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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