I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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