question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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